Hyperventilation and quarrels at work (Kilala.nl (Cailin Coilleach)) by Cailin Coilleach

Almost precisely three months after the last hyperventilation I've had one again. I woke somewhere around 0100 from Marli leaving the room because she couldn't sleep. At the same time I became aware of a tingling sensation in my lips and arms: the onset of the real "burning" attack (sounds like on of those superpowers from an anime ^_^ "SUPA BAAHNIN ATTAKKU GO!").

I reckon tonight's occurrence was linked to yesterday's stress.

Of course it sucked that I was saying goodbye to some great colleagues. Paul and Nico were the best managers I've had in years and the rest of my team are just a great bunch of guys. But aside from that there was also some hassle with colleagues from Snow, whom I'd pissed off mightily by quitting for a new job without telling them. I've talked it over with one of them (my field manager), but I expect at least some pain from two or three others when I drop by the Snow office for the last time. The prospect of that visit isn't a very happy one and causes me some anxiety.

You see, some would say that what I did was an assholeish and selfserving move; and I would agree with them. I had decided that I'd needed to be a bit greedy and an asshole (read: thinking strictly business, weighing and measuring gain versus losses, minimizing the risks only for me) in order to provide the best for my family. IMNSHO it is generally not a good idea to tell your boss that you're looking for a new job until you've found a new one and signed the contract and most business folks in my direct circle agree. So that's what I did.

I could've told Snow beforehand, but that would have impacted the clients I get assigned, my salary and my relations with the people in the company. And that would've gone on until I'd finally found the job I wanted. In my case this took five months, so that would've sucked pretty much. Seriously, why screw up a running contract when you don't even have a new one yet? I need to provide for a family and I can't do that if my employer wants me out. Hence the reason that I don't tell them that -I- want out. There's nothing they could've done to keep me onboard anyway, because once I make up my mind to leave somewhere I will. As I said a few weeks ago I'd lost touch with the essence of the company over a year ago. I just wasn't feeling comfortable anymore.

*sigh* I'd better go and get dressed for grocery shopping. I've demanded that Marli stay at home and in bed seeing how she hasn't had a wink of sleep tonight.

Posted in: hyperventilation , panic , sleep , stress

And again, but the pattern is becoming clear (Kilala.nl (Cailin Coilleach)) by Cailin Coilleach

Yeah, I'm fairly sure now that the whole hyperventilation deal is my subconscious' way of expressing anxiety or stress. I mean, it's a bit obvious right? One day before my first exams I get an attack. Yeah...

I just wonder why the hell it originally developed this trick. The first time was years back, when I didn't like my job. Since then I've been making improvements to my life, but still they happen. Weird.

I'm just glad that Marli was still awake at that hour, so she stood by me. I could've handled it myself, but it's safer to let her know what's up.



Posted in: anxiety , hyperventilation , panic , stress

Learning how to unwind (Kilala.nl (Cailin Coilleach)) by Cailin Coilleach

Last night was an interesting exercise.

I was called around 17:30 by my good friend Peter. He wanted to know whether we'd had dinner yet and if not, if we'd go out with them for tepan yaki. My immediate reaction was to say that, sadly, I was too busy with school and that we couldn't spare the money. No discussion with Marli, no second thoughts, just like that. Well, Peter of course was a bit disappointed, but Marli was rightly ticked off when we met up at home.

I realised that I picked up college right where I left it: filed under "P" for "perfectionism".

If our college would've had a yearbook in 2000, I would probably have been the guy voted "Most likely to die of a heart attack before his thirties". That's actually a line The Saint uttered when we were still in school together. Back then I was the stressful, organised one who got his panties in a bunch when the rest of the group were taking a more relaxed approach. I guess I still am.

However, I don't feel like playing those odds anymore. Taking my current age (closer to thirty), weight and cholesterol into account I find the Grim Reaper's changes of rolling box cars have considerably improved :/

So yesterday I was forced to forget about school for a while. We went out for dinner around seven and didn't come back until around eleven. We had fun, of course :) But it was quite remarkable to see my body's reaction to this situation. I was physically feeling ill at ease, while my head was trying to cope with "not working".

So, Peter, Wendy, Marli: I'm sorry for seeming uninterested at the dinner table. I -did- enjoy myself and I'm glad you guys dragged me out of the house.

Posted in: college , onoz , relax , stress , work

Life has its own rhythm: up and down, like a sine wave (Kilala.nl (Cailin Coilleach)) by Cailin Coilleach

Damn. It came back.

There was desperation, there was shouting, there was crying and finally there was consolation. This time I'm doing something about it. No matter what the outcome is.

This has started to affect my professional life, so maybe it's time to have some changes.

Posted in: emo , life , rhythm , sine wave , stress

I don't think I'm doing too good (Kilala.nl (Cailin Coilleach)) by Cailin Coilleach

You know? I don't think I'm doing too hot :[

The past few weeks I've been feeling stressed out, constantly tired, overall mopey and to top it off there's some doubts and confusion. I'm doubting about life, about work, about decisions I've made so far. Thinking about how different things could've been if I'd made a few different choices here and there. Thinking about what-ifs and what-nows in general.

Unfortunately this has had its repercussions on my environment as well: I've been a dick to Marli for the past few weeks (less attentive, more bitchy), I haven't had that much oomph! at the office and I've let my work for Anime 2007 go down the gutter :(

What makes things worse is the nagging voice in the back of my head that's telling me that all of this is nothing and that I should easily be coping with it all. Guilt++.

I've known about these feelings and doubts all along, but I've only realised just now how deep things are getting. While on the phone with my friend Kaj, who's just come back from Japan (glad that your back!), I noticed a tremble in my voice and some moisture cropping up in my eyes... That ain't no good sign as far as I'm concerned.

I think I need to think things over...

Posted in: doubts , emo , meh , stress