the state of things (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Oh, I know you poor people are so tired of listening to me go on and on and won't she please pop that baby out already...

I know I've been, shall we say, obsessed about this baby thing lately. I am having ultrasounds 2 or 3 time a week and I just don't feel right about them. It annoys me to go, yet I don't want to swear off them because my cockiness has a way of biting me in the ass later. I'm stuck here.. between wanting what I want, and listening to the people who went to med school; and not believing the scare tactics and making a stupid decision I'll regret later.

I had discussed this with a friend of mine who coerced me into posting my story to one of her natural birthing mailing lists. I didn't want to because frankly I was tired of hearing myself talk about it, but it was quick and nice to get it all typed out in one long story from beginning to end. And I did post it to the group. And the results were overwhelming and I could cry. So many people have been through the exact same thing. Some people weren't so lucky and were speaking in hindsight. Others pushed through and had great outcomes. The gist of it is that what I feel in my heart seems to jive with what they are saying. Okay so I did almost cry... several times. I'm so glad I posted it.

My kid could be 2 lbs more or less than the estimate. The u/s doesn't know jack squat. Extra fluid CAN magnify the results (I had amusingly pondered that, turns out it's true.) There are things you can do to reduce fluid. My AFI is not even that high. "OMG the head is bobbing up and down like an apple in water!" is apparently very normal in someone who has had more than one baby. nearly-9-lb babies are not even that big (not that *I* thought they were, but it's funny to hear someone laugh at my huge baby and tell me they had an 11 lb home birth with no drugs. It warms my heart.)

So now I don't know what to do. I looked up midwives in my area before, and didn't get anywhere, but today must have been the right day, because I just found out a midwife I've actually met, has started her own practice. This is a small town rife with politics, I'm walking in a minefield. I'd love to meet her. I'd love to not schedule any more ultrasounds and not go to any more ultrasounds. I'd love to tell my dr to stuff his cervadil up his own ass. And by the way, your third finger, the extra one that shouldn't be pressing into THAT area, the one with your gigantor college ring? HURTS LIKE A BITCH and I am NOT BEING A WUSS and RELAXING WILL NOT HELP ME WITH THAT SHIT maybe you ought to work on your cervix checking skills.

Okay, you're a nice guy, but I don't appreciate the scare tactics.

Is 39 weeks too late to switch? No I don't really think so. But how do I handle that? What should I say to these people who are really nice to me, and that I've never acted outwardly nasty to in person - just this blog. They have no idea that's coming. Maybe I played that wrong. I know, I shouldn't give a flipping crap.

I don't expect anyone to know the answers, or even comment. I just wanted to record my thoughts. I can't tell my mom, doctors are god. I can't tell my MIL. I tried testing the waters on that one and it didn't go too well. My FIL is a DOCTOR, he's one of them.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to call to get myself a u/s. But I think I might call the midwife instead. For all this.. for all the suffering,... I would rather wait for my due date. I'll join the long gestation club... I have a fantasy that I'll have this kid faster than the other two and it'll be a gigantor 7lbs 8oz. And if it's big? Well then I can trump my MIL's labor stories. And that's all that matters in life. Posted in: preg , random

updating, la la (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I know, you're all dying to know. Suffer with me now and maybe I'll regale you with squishy newborn goodness later.

I've been doing most of the things people suggested in my last post. The husband is thrilled about the sex part. He should enjoy it while he can I've been popping EPO like candy, and drinking the herbal uterus-toning tea. I had steak twice in the last week without even consciously thinking about it. (meaning, I didn't seek it out purposefully, just appealed to me at the time) And I haven't had steak in months! T is going to buy me pineapple, and I am going to make him buy me a nice spicy mexican dinner too. I could go swimming, but I'm seriously afraid of not being able to get out of the pool. And considering I don't even fit in my car anymore, I might not fit in my bathing suit anymore. The Belly rides inside the steering wheel. That can't be good.

Yesterday I drove myself to the hospital for a non-stress test. It's part of my 2x weekly biophysical profile ultrasounds. I had gone to the office twice for them to figure it out to no avail. So they sent me to the hospital. Which I was a teensy bit annoyed about. I drove home and put the car seats in Tom's car. I was livid yesterday, just thinking about all this stupid crap. My blood pressure was (apparently) through the roof. I was just thinking I was going to get there and they weren't going to let me go, and the high blood pressure would be another point in their favor.

So I drove up there and had to park in East Bumfuck and climg Mount Fucking Everest to get to the door. There was one little spot left but some fool had parked in such a way that no one was going to fit in that spot. Some moron in an expedition held up the line for 10 minutes thinking about whether his car would fit there (NO!) and I thought my car would have totally fit there, except I wasn't going to be getting out any of the DOORS so I passed on it. In retrospect I should have backed into the space and gotten out in the grass. But that just brings me to all the walking I did yesterday, where it felt like the baby was going to just FALL OUT of me.. which I would have been happy about. I'd have caught it and walked into the hospital door and said "here."

Only when I got to l&d; they told me the baby wasn't even very far down. I think there's another one down there, that's it... My enormous baby apparently weighs 9.5 lbs as of right now (which is really pretty amazing considering it was 6.5 lbs less than 2 weeks ago)

Either way they weren't really pushy, though at one point the dr asked me why I was there (never mind that the office was supposed to call him and tell him I was coming, and no one was expecting me when I got there... 2.5 hours later...) I felt like he should have remembered me from THE DAY BEFORE, but I digress. At one point during the conversation I must have looked completely incredulous. I was thinking "is this a quiz? what the fuck?" I was too flustered to even give him a proper response. The nurses were all looking at me expectantly and my brain was just going haywire.

So they gave up on the NST after a few hours there, too. My kid just does not want to sit still for anything. (Internal fetal monitoring, HERE I COME!) So lucky me has to have an ultrasound EVERY OTHER DAY until this kid decides to grace us with its amazonian presence. So We've been stepping up the eviction process.

By the time I got home, T had been alone with the children all day and was referring to D as "the little bastard" I see that they were driving him nuts, but I was gleeful about this. Especially since he claimed the boy took a nap, but only for a half hour. If the boy wakes up after a half hour, that means he never went to sleep. Don't let him fool you!

Then last night I gave the kids baths because T was trying to prove something, I don't know, and had them outside all day and playing with every toy they own, and they were dirty and sweaty! I wonder how many other people gave their kids baths last night out of pure guilt or something. I think T is just trying to outdo me. But he doesn't realize you need to pace yourself. And that I do NOT sit on my ass all day, and that I might be more inclined to do more playing if I weren't hobbled by his 10lb fetus.

So today I have to go for yet ANOTHER ultrasound, and then I am going to come home and sleep for 20 years. Posted in: kids , preg

I'm having homer simpson's baby (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Do you ever reply to comments on your own blog and then get all excited a few minutes later "ooh I have mail!!!" ... "oh.. wait."

My ultrasound this morning went fine. The tech said it was her own opinion that there was not really THAT much extra fluid in there, but she didn't "interpret" the films. I hope she's right... However I don't see how there is any extra fluid in there when I am apparently having the world's biggest, fattest baby. I saw fat rolls on the ultrasound. The thing has cheeks that look like a hamster hoarding food. I am scared. I have informed the husband we are doing every trick in the book to evict this "little" person. I also totally want to know what it is RIGHT! NOW!

If I wasn't so fat, I wouldn't even be paranoid about this. Just that you know people are totally going to think this is somehow my fault. My next door neighbor is 100 lbs soaking wet and barely 5 feet wall and her son was 10lbs and 3oz... at 38 weeks.

I am completely paranoid about a difficult birth, a c section, low blood sugars, LOT OF INTERVENTION mostly. I am mostly paranoid about The Sectioning (ominous music) though obviously I'm more in favor of a healthy baby and would just as soon be thankful for those things, but also let the record show that I am too uptight to be able to handle waking up from surgery with my entire family staring at me like a body in a casket, and finding out they've been chummy with my baby for hours before I did. That's just not fair! I have a couple weeks to work on that, I know. I've told T what I want, but he'll totally sell me out the minute my mother looks at him sideways.

On my way home from the ultrasound, I pass my mother's place of employment. I always look up the parking lot to see if she's there. Today, Her car wasn't there, but then I passed her .02 seconds later. She looked royally pissed off, but totally didn't see me. I'll have to make fun of her for that later.

I have my appointments lined up for the next 3 weeks. No offense, Nice Ultrasound Tech, but I hope I never see you again. Posted in: amazon baby , preg , ultrasound

6 years (Never melts (meef)) by jen

If you were a referral form, where would you be hiding?

This weekend was 6 years, and I think the first time our anniversary was on the same day of the week we got married. It hardly seems like 6 years, yet it seems like we've been together forever and never to part (does everyone else get these random song lyrics or is it just me?) We got married on a beach, the same one I don't want to go to because I can't hobble very well on the sand, with no shoes and no formality whatsoever. Rented tux and expensive dress with no shoes. That sums up the day. It was a perfect day because nothing went wrong because nothing could bother us. We got married at the shore, and the tide came in during the ceremony, lapping dangerously close to my dress, and we stared at each other and laughed about it. It was a perfect day, weather-wise.

So naturally the best way to celebrate that was to go to Walmart.

Well, we do have fun at Walmart. We make fun of WM denizens all the time. We bought some video games (does that show what dorks we are?) and some costumes for the children, and some popcorn balls. (one year for our anniversary, T bought me a whole TRUNK full of popcorn balls. I was pregnant with the boy, and there were so many boxes, he was more than a year old before we finally finished them. Apparently they were on sale or some crud like that. This time, we paid $4 for one box. LOVELY.) I do have to say it's so much more fun looking at toys when one's children are not in the vicinity.

Walking around the 'mart on the other hand was kind of amusing. I chickened out on the beep-beep cart, instead opting to walk geriatrically slow and hold on to a cart. By the end of our little soirée I had T holding the front of the cart so I could really lean on it without pushing it out from under me. Must have been quite a site, we only got a few curious stares, though. We looked at Christmas decorations and then came back to town to eat at a place I call George.

Dinner was slow and nice.. the place was mostly empty, but full enough not to be creepy-empty. And we took our time. Last year we were gone for a half hour, this time I made a point to be gone for As Long As Possible.

And then when we came home, we got ICE CREAM. While the men were fetching, I got to hear all kinds of sordid stories from my MIL about births gone awry and c sections and other things most polite people don't tell very pregnant woman. Please send me good vibes that I do not end up with a c section (or at least "being sectioned" as MIL is fond of calling it.)

Tomorrow morning is my first bpp u/s and I need to find that freaking referral-slash-prescription form! I suspect the children have something to do with this!

Today I am 37 weeks along which I had been assured by all my crunchy friends was the time to start all the aggressive eviction procedures, but now I'm chickening out given the extra water. I'm going to wait until the u/s and see. I keep thinking it'll be fine, no extra fluid. I also should mention I feel a little smaller than I did last week. What gives? I'm just going to keep bouncing on my ball la la la la Posted in: anniversary , preg

chicken and fries (Never melts (meef)) by jen

So this morning the boy woke me up at 7. He was sitting there screaming my name in a little toddler rage. The kind of raw scream that sounds like he's ripping his throat to shreds. The kind of scream mothers make when they mean "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!"

I hobbled in there (took me 5 minutes!) and liberated him from his crib and told him to stop screaming at me like that and play with his toys. Then I went back to sleep.

I woke up at 8, and he was sitting on my bed watching tv. I looked at him, his whole face lit up and he yelled "HI MOMMY!" and waved at me. "where did daddy go?" I told him Daddy went to work and would be home later. Then he leaned in close... looked at me lovingly with those big eyes... pet my face...

and said: "Daddy come home and bring me chicken and fries?"

***

Yeah because daddy doesn't cook when mommy doesn't want to. He brings home fast food and makes Fluffy a huge baby. (or if he does cook, it's pasta...)

I've given up cooking. Yesterday I washed some pots and as a result couldn't stand up for the rest of the day. This is really pathetic. Someone remind me that I will be able to walk again someday. Fully upright. Without groaning and popping sounds, or feeling like my hips will crack apart.

Last night's ob appt didn't help. The children were excellently well behaved for that time of night. Of course, lining them up against the wall before we left and hissing my expectations at them probably helped. I didn't fight D when he insisted on wearing a fishing hat with his winter attire. I reminded them again in the car, and as we were getting out I reminded them again. It was tedious trying to convince the boy to follow me (he likes to flail his arms so I can't hold his hand.. *sob* Used to be he insisted on holding my hand no matter what, and I'd have to handle all my transactions one-handed.)

We were only 15 minutes late. When I walked in the entire desk staff was falling all over themselves squealing about some cute kids. They were totally lapping it up too, performing for it. The boy was totally flirting. He would walk up to anyone and tell them he had a hat on. Then they'd tell him he looked very cute in his hat, and he'd beam with pride and flutter his eyelashes and smile shyly. They even scored some crayons and paper from the desk staff.

L was drawing around and around in cirlces like that kid in The Ring. I think it was starting to freak the girls out so I asked her to draw some specific things. Whew. In the end she drew a sun, a tree, chewie, me, T, and D. I asked her to draw the baby and she started crying and said she didn't want to. Geez, calm down kid.

The appointment went fairly well. I had to wait FOREVER and I was sweating my ass off in that little room. But the dr actually brought the chart in the room with him (WHAT A NOVEL IDEA!!) and showed me the results I was asking for. Didn't just tell me, actually pulled the page up and showed it to me. (their "charts" are on tablet PC.) He was chatty and nice and talked to the kids. A complete 360 from the other idiot, and much warmer than The Other Guy who is tolerable and personable but still always in a rush. I did not indeed have an exam, he even wrote it in the chart that I wasn't going to have any exams! I even made my appt for next week with him. I know he'll be nowhere to be found when I'm in labor but at least I can enjoy my last few appointments.

***

My mother, a fellow Office Staff type, has told me a few.. er.. interesting things about the state of doctor offices in this town (and probably everywhere else) Suffice it to say that I might as well stay where I am. The are all banding together to make giant mega-practices so they can levy more power over the insurance companies.

***

Oh, and it just seems that Fluff will follow in the size footsteps as his brother and sister. I can handle that. No bigger, por favor. Maybe I should stop eating till then. Or at least not eat any more chicken and fries from the boy's plate.

***

36 weeks as of Monday.. woo hoo. Posted in: kids , preg

huh. (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Well it seems like my cranky assed humor went over like a lead balloon. I was only kidding (when I said that I loved you, baby) I'm not really that mad, I just hate when people tell me things like "oh you're nesting!" or like last night when I was fumbling for my insurance card while on the phone, and my friend claimed I had "prego brain" when in reality I was merely looking for my insurance card, while on the phone, in a pile of 200 other cards. That always takes longer when someone is waiting. Ten minutes later I told her I was having Fat Finger Syndrome and couldn't get my trackpad to work. I was clicking all over creation and dragging things I didn't mean to drag. It was kind of amusing until she said "why? You're all bloated, huh?" I'm not bloated.. YOU'RE bloated... It seems like some people are just looking for ways to poke me in certain ways, doesn't it? It reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad would come up to me and out of the blue, we'd have the following conversation:

him: "hey what are you doing?"
me: "nothing.. just reading this."
him: "what's the matter, you cranky?"
me: "no.. not cranky at all."
him: "I think you're cranky. You sound cranky."
me: "no.. I'm not cranky."
him: "are you SURE you're not cranky?"
me: "I'm not cranky!"
him: "Yes you are, see!"
me: "NO I'M NOT!"
him: *gets up and walks away with a satisfied smirk* "I THOUGHT so."

***

In other not-cranky news, as of last night I'm all pre-registered for the hospital. I don't know what that means. The woman said I can now just walk right up to maternity and I'd be set. Well I did that last time and T still had to go downstairs and register us so.. I guess we'll just walk in there and play dumb again.

I have another appointment tonight. Between the "every week" appointments and the fact that the new world order in the office can't seem to coordinate it so that I go the same day every week, I feel like I was JUST THERE. And no I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Tonight I have to take the children with me. Won't that be fun? It's their bedtime. Oh this should be fun. It takes me 20 minutes total, usually, from my door back to my door... and with the kids I bet it'll take me 20 minutes just to get them in the car so we can leave. And then another 20 to get them OUT of the car. And then another 45 to get them back IN the car... On the bright side, since I will be handling 2 rabid tasmanian devils, I will have more ground to stand on when I tell them that certain orifices have been designated "exit only" until the 12lb baby emerges. (even then, grand re-opening is iffy.)

Hmm it's really quiet out there. I should go investigate. Posted in: cranky , kids , preg , random

I hate my OB (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I guess doctors and other so-called "professionals" are not immune to the daily juvenile behavior that keeps all of us gossip-hounds amused on a day to day basis. The long story of it is that I left a practice while I was 20-something weeks pregnant with D, and unknowingly stepped into a snake pit when I joined another practice, not knowing that the founder of that practice used to work with my dr and had a falling-out with him. My old dr's staff treated me so badly as a result of that that I can never go back if I ever changed my mind.

I was very happy at this new place while I was pregnant with D. It seemed to fix all the problems I had with the first place. My dr was always happy to see me, remembered my name, my daughter's name, what we talked about last week. He actually sat down and chatted with me for a few mins and was personable and friendly.

I guess I'm asking too much here.

I never went back for my 6w checkup, and later found out the 2 drs (non-founding member) that I enjoyed seeing had left the practice because they both moved their families elsewhere. I also found out after I got pregnant, that there were 2 new drs, and the original dr was consorting with the old dr I left once again. So now they're running two practices but both of their names are on both, and my dr now has office hours in this other guy's practice.

This irritates me greatly. And as I've come to see, the old dr's influence is all over this damn practice. No more casual outfits and fun chatty drs. no more chats, caring, or result sharing. Now when I ask for results I get a cold demeanor and "it was normal, no need to worry about it." Guess what, fucko.. I want the numbers.

I don't know why I've been bumbling along like this. I guess it wasn't bad, my regular dr is nice to me even though he's a two timing bastard. One of the other drs is pretty decent too. But it's the third one that I take issue with, and we all know who's going to be on call when I go, right? This guy is like a frat boy with a stethoscope. He's totally hard to get an appt with, and I KNOW it's because lots of pregnant woman think he's cute and "dreamy" and such. (insert rolling-eyes projectile-barfing emoticon here)

So my appointment last night was a total bust and I left feeling really bitchy. I walked in, no sitting down, went right to the back and got weighed and had my blood pressure taken, did all the usual. Got led to an exam room. Dr. Frat Boy came in 10 seconds later, practically shoves me backwards on the table and tells me we're going to listen to the heartbeat now. No "hello, how are you doing?" just straight to business. He listens to the heartbeat for 2 seconds, never making eye contact with me. Then he threw a wad of tissues at me, walked out of the room, and said "come back next week" as he was walking away.

W.

T.

F.

???

So now I'm laying there like an upended turtle and I have no idea where the goop is, not that i can see under my belly from this angle, mind you. So I threw the tissues on the floor and just pulled my pants up over it. Whatever, it's just water-based gel I don't know why everyone is so afraid of it. As I walked down the hallway he was in the office chatting on the phone and just stared at me as I walked by. No "goodnight!" or anything.

And I was back at the desk making my appointment before the nurse was even back to sitting down from leading me to the exam room.

So I never got to hear about my GBS results, or the results of my ultrasound. I don't know how I'm going to handle that, I guess I could have/should have said something right then but I didn't have my thoughts collected, I was still in shock. And I think I get to know everything that was on that ultrasound.

Next week my appt is with the other dr, hopefully it goes well and I get what I want. And I'm pretty sure the owner should know how things went down, but I'm not sure how to bring it up.

***

To end on a happy note: Amusing Kid Anecdote:

Yesterday afternoon we were out on the front porch. There's a car, and another little ride-on toy out there and they like to ride them back and forth across the porch. The porch is narrow, so it's one in front of the other, and all the chairs have to be sideways. I've gotten used to this, I guess. So I'm sitting in the chair, and L comes by in her car, D following her in the girly care bear car. She stops short, he rams her from behind and starts flipping out and screaming at her "GO! GO!" and she turns around and says "D, no. We dont' do that." And D starts howling and screeching and intentionally ramming her from behind with his car.

She then turns around again and informs him "we can't go. We hafta wait for da light to change." Posted in: aka , cranky , doctor , kidsquotes , preg

what? they can't ALL be amusing. (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Yesterday I went for a size estimate ultrasound. Because, as a card carrying member of Fat Chick, I get all kinds of hassle from doctors. Everything from hangnails to severed appendages is Because You Are A Bigger Woman. I love how they can't say fat, and my current dr always makes a little rounded motion with his hands in front of him when he says that. And they always say it with a tone that says "you know... no offense, but I'm sure you know..." well I do, but I still don't appreciate that. ANYWAY this makes birth so much harder because they use fatundity to weasel many ludicrious things of me, such as constant internal fetal monitoring, and "you must stay on that bed" and "no you cannot deliver in anything but the standard lying down position - oh, and wear this oxygen mask, it makes you look sexy." Granted we apparently make OMGXBOGHUEG!!11! babies. The last two just sneaked under 9lbs. But they were both very long. But I digress. This one feels larger. I'm scared they may be right. (For the record, My husband has a huge head, and was a huge baby. Blame him.)

I am not exactly happy with my current position in prenatal care, but there's nothing I can really do about it at this point. The practice is totally different than it was when I first joined it. I am asking too much to have a "relationship" with my provider. There are no midwives around here. There are CNM's who work out of OB/GYN offices, but because I'm a lardass I'm required to see the real doctor. I'm not sure if this is standard or just typical small-town closed-mindedness. So I go every week to an appointment I totally dread with a doctor who can't remember anything about me, and doesn't care, who is rushing out the door for the next patient after 3 minutes max with me. I gues I kind of wanted to experience that closeness that other people talk about. And to have the support of a birth going smoothly and stress free without being told to do this, that and the other thing. I am trying to make up what I want, but I wish I had that support behind me.. other than a husband who says "sure, whatever you want." but will totally bow to what a DOCTOR says because his family is doctors and doctors are god.

However I decided way back in March that I was going to do whatever I wanted with this pregnancy, I was going to TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE instead of being meek and obedient (oh, hell, when am I ever either of those?) This goes for everything from prenatal care, to the whole Time In The Hospital to how much crap I'm willing to handle from people, the whole gamut, not just health care but socially and post-baby as well. By that I mean, I will not be driving 3 hours with a 2 month odl and spending Christmas hiding in my MIL's bedroom nursing a baby while my children open their gifts without me because no one could wait 20 minutes.

But now I'm playing a game. I will take your silly little ultrasound, and I'll let you do a GBS test even though you and I know full well that I'm going to get antibiotics during labor whether I am positive or not (because I'm Fat, and fat.. breeds.. bacteria??) But anyway, the reason I went, even though I'm planning on kicking ass and taking names, is because I'm picking my battles. I don't want to be a difficult patient. I want to be one they will never ever suspect. And when labor comes? BAM!

So the tech was kind of bitchy and just like with the last ultrasound I went there for, I left feeling kind of depressed and underwhelmed with something that should have been at least a little fun and cute. And I still have no idea whether she thinks I'm harboring a Far Side baby in there. However judging by the fact that the head was way low (she had the wand pushing on my pubic bone. ouch. Never had one that low.) and the legs were up somewhere past my bra band... I am guessing this one is pretty long.

But at least he/she's cute.



***

We have not gotten one step further on The Name Game, so I can't report on that just yet, but I will. I kind of think the picture might make things a little easier.

***

The other day I spent way too much money at Old Navy buying clothes for the children, jeans and socks for the husband, and shirts for myself, since... damn.. I have no shirts. I wear the same 3 perfect tees every day and they are kind of embarrassingly short to be honest. And I got myself some long sleeved shirts for the fall/winter. But anyway I can't just do this in ONE trip, I have to make SEVERAL visits to the site before I'm done ordering what I'm going to order. I want shipping discounts, dammit. One package arrived yesterday, Another package is due to arrive today. Except when I tracked it, I got this:

THE PACKAGE IS DELAYED DUE TO EMERGENCY CONDITIONS BEYOND UPS' CONTROL

I felt a little thrill, I mean nothing exciting and emergent ever happens to me.* Does this mean the truck crashed and burned? That the driver drove off a cliff or hit a bus full of AC bound seniors with a gambling problem? Beamed up inside a UFO? Hopelessly lost?

Of course, it's a nice day out, so maybe he just decided to say "screw you!" to work and go out and play. The mailman does that. You know how I can tell? Rainy day? get mail at usual time.. Exceptionally nice for the first time in a few days, day? Mail is here by 9am.

Either that or he ran out of gas or something really really dumb.

*not that I necessarily want it to. Posted in: fat , pics , preg , random , ultrasound , ups

list-esque (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Wow, this is pretty bad. I am so sore. Just like I said I'd be. I can't move. My legs, they do not work. I am not really complaining, per se. I'm just trying to back up my arguments. I can't do anything. How pathetic to wheel one's office chair wherever possible rather than GET UP to fetch the children lunch etc.?? And at times it's kind of .. well. VERY .. overwhelming to think I have at least a MONTH to put up with this... and it makes me want to cry in frustration.

I am not trying to criticize what others do.. much.. though I do make it a sport to make fun of stupidity... understand I honestly don't deep-down give a flaming rat's ass what other people do. (Unless they are close to me and the things they are doing are dangerous but hey, I still can't tell them what to do.) But I have been having this problem lately where everything *I* do seems to be up for criticism. I know, I shouldn't care, right? But I have complex psychological issues and I DO kind of let it bug me. And most of those things are related to children. Things almost no one else in this world cares about. Or knows what they are talking about. I also seem to stand on the wrong side of the usual hot-button issues. Just call me lucky.

In other news I was kind of depressed to walk back into this dingy crap-hole after the bright sun and blue skies of my vacation. It motivated me to clean the kitchen a bit and hopefully start priming and painting the kitchen soon. Like, tonight! The fact that I can't move is just a MINOR DETAIL. I'll make him do all the hard parts :)

I feel like I totally bailed on the family by leaving this weekend on a spur of the moment vacation, but I have to say part of me was kind of tingly with excitement over that. I never do stuff like that, and I should. I'm so sick of hanging around other people's houses for various reasons so I'm going to be doing it more and more.. just what *I* want to do... call it my selfish years. Others might see it as bitchy. But I'll have a newborn and 2 kids to watch around various dangers and I just don't feel up to it. I'd rather stay home where my stuff is. My in laws are totally for that, actually. I go to the beach, because we pack everything we need, and pregnancy and boy-dangers aside, it's not that bad when you pack like that. But I'm not packing like that for a 5 hour visit.

And finally I feel I should end this on an interesting note. I am 34 weeks along as of this past monday, and we still have not discussed any names for this kid. Part of me is panicking, part of me is very very apathetic. Whoever had that name wizard book I want to hear from you! I just send the husband an email informing him that if he didn't send me a list of names, that I was going to pick one that I liked and that would be that. o far I've been assured that a list is in the making. I hope I can be as happy with what we pick as I am with the two we have.

And since I feel kind of spacey and disjointed... I'm going to stop talking now. Posted in: baby names , beach , kids , preg , random

ruff (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. I am having a rough month. I know, I know. I feel like I can't face this thing anymore. I can't write anything witty to save my life. My thoughts are all over the place. You think this blog is tangential, imagine the inside of my head. I've had kind of a rough week, 3 major things, none of which I really want to talk about here. I suppose that wasn't fair, I hate when people do that to me. But they involve other people, and it's not fair to them.

2. Yo Gabba Gabba. Discuss.

3. Last week I went for my saturday appt at the ob. I had told T we should all go, then we could to go the store afterwards. But then we ran out of money and the store trip was canceled. But for some reason we all went anyway. I didn't question it... maybe he just wanted to go. I dragged him in the exam room for my 2minute exam so he could hear the heartbeat. The kids acted in a way that reminded me why I don't bring them. The dr gave T the doppler and let him find the baby's heartbeat. I thought that was kind of cool. T was afraid to push down very hard but really pretty much got it on the first try. Okay the dr told him where to press, and the dr remembers where to get it.

4. The week before that we spent up at the beach. I convinced T to take half of Friday and all of Monday off and we had a great time. We arrived late Friday night (thanks traffic!) and left Monday after lunch and got home for dinner. The kids fought like rabid weasels in the car and we vowed never to go anywhere again, at least not without a dvd player or something. But we had perfect weather for it. On Monday we went to the museum, and that was fun, but a whole other bitch fest. I'm only mentioning this so I remember the pain but I am not going to dwell on it. I also had occasion to hit chuck-e-cheese for the first time in my life and I have to say a) that place is totally overrated and b) that place is totally smaller and brighter than I was expecting.

5. T wants to go to the beach one more time this year, but I'm mentally done. I am so lazy and fat and unmotivated it's not even funny. I just want to sit in a comfortable chair all day long and talk to my friends online or something. I don't want to clean or walk around or go to places or have to eat at the table with those stupid chairs and the zero amount of room to maneuver around the table because naturally the fat pregnant lady has to sit all the way at the end of the table that's surrounded by 3 walls, and the 26 lb three year old gets to sit on the other end that's open and has a better chair. I don't want to eat out, or not be able to shower at the drop of a hat, or not be able to sleep, or climb the steps, or have to walk in sand... I am just feeling sorry for myself. Actually I hate myself for being so unmotivated. But I know it's temporary, why can't HE understand that? I know how stupid this all sounds. None of these things are a big deal, but added up they just get me all aggravated. I guess the biggest thing is my mind isn't open anymore. Last week the door closed and I feel like that part of summer is over now. But no one will agree with me, everyone is actually aghast that I'm not currently packing. Feel free to hate me. At least YOU don't have a 52 inch lead balloon hanging off the front of you.

6. I switched my feed to "full" because it kind of annoys me when I'm in a feed reader and I still have to go to the page to finish reading the post. What are your thoughts on this?

7. Congratulations to semi desperate housewife on her cute baby boy. It's been a long trip and I enjoyed reading along. It seems like so long ago I started reading her blog and she was something like 15 weeks along and I thought she was sooo much farther along than me. Ha! I guess at this point I have 6 weeks, tops.

8. D is doing something to his naps. He wasn't always willing to go down at his normal time so I pushed it back. Probably too far, but it's hard to work around certain parts of our day. But now he wakes up crying and screaming and does so for an hour. Nothing makes him happy. I can let him cry in his crib or I can let him sit on the floor by my feet and cry (crying louder if I leave the room!) Either way, I want to cry too. Maybe I should go back to 11:00 naps. But with the 2:00 naps, they both nap! hmm... normal day... vs.... 3 hour nap for me, ending with some crying and drama. HMM. Posted in: beach , cranky , kids , preg

na na na na slacker! (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. Good lord, my husband has changed the allergy medications he's on for years and years and suddenly he's getting more sleep than ever, is not tired, goes to bed at 11pm without bitching, does all kinds of housework, and just bought a pink ORGANIZER for the COUPONS he is clipping - mind you it took me 3 years of nagging and a very fat wallet full of coupons he kept "forgetting" to use. And now he's like a super buzzy bee little housewife. And this just HAD to happen during the hottest part of the summer when I am at my fattest and least motivated. I just want to sit on a chair and drool (preferably in front of a window-mounted appliance that's blowing cold air in my direction) and here he is being a good little worker bee. HE'S MAKING ME LOOK BAD!

2. The 3yo came in here and said "I want daddy back" and I said "what, you don't like mommy?" and she said "nooo.. I want daddy back." SIGH.

3. I took my 3 hour glucose test. The husband agreed to stay home with the children. Upon arriving at the lab, I realized my paperwork had ridden up into the passenger side footwell. I couldn't lean far enough to get it (pathetic.) so I had to get out of the car and go in through the passenger side. As I was standing up and closing the door, there was a woman standing there waiting to get into her car next to mine. It was my very pregnant neighbor. Yes we are not only pregnant together but we are due in the same month. She is due on the 29th; I am due on the 15th. I exclaimed "Oh! That's D's birthday" and she of course looked at me like "who the hell is D?" Upon telling the husband about this, he told me "well, she never sees us." Yeah, okay, I never see her either but I know her kid's name! I hate all the fake nice-nice and animosity between us and am going to have to invite her to do something specific.

4. sometimes people amaze me with their lack of ability to form coherent, seemingly obvious but "outside the box" to others, thoughts. For example, the people who whine about taking their kid a carrier style car seat before they are tall enough for a convertible "because it's soooo heavy with my baby in it!" never thought to just leave it in the car as if it were a regular car seat? Granted, do whatever the hell you want, but.. uh.. geez. Also, the people who say "I hate washcloths because they get mildewy when you leave them in the shower." UHH. DON'T LEAVE THEM IN THE SHOWER, dumb ass. Actually that's kind of gross.. I replace my washcloth with each use, thank you very much. (Not because of mildew. Mostly because I wouldn't want to get butt cooties on my face.)

5. I am currently going through boxes and boxes of baby clothes. I know I shouldn't have to buy new clothes for the newbie, but something tells me I will anyway. Or I will buy clothes for the other two and throw in a clearance item or two here and there. Yet, there are 5 trunks I'm currently going through. I have 2 people giving me hand me downs in addition to the gifts I get and the stuff I buy. I was looking through the girl's clothes for this fall and getting giddy. She will be so cute, I can't wait. The boy, haven't gotten there yet. I figured he'd be in 2T pants if he kept it up but I'm not sure now. Maybe he will be. Or the little bugger will mess with me and be in 3T. But only because I have about 35 pairs of 24m, 2-3-4T pants I got all for $2-$3 apiece. I seem to rock the walmart clearance racks.

6. This weekend we are going to pick out paint samples for our next painting phase. I think we will start with the kitchen (has to be primed, I think.) I want something bold, yet "nice" but not "safe." Taupe, but Taupe has become the new Notwhite. I am thinking mocha or chocolate brown (isn't that the same thing) and four shades thereof, to be dispersed along the downstairs. Can't wait to go look. Along with that we will be buying a new microwave, baby... can't wait for that since the little one we bought in college is on its last little legs. It blows the circuit randomly and tends to forget what you just told it to do. For instance I'm constantly going nuts wondering why I just pushed 1-0-0-0 and it just stopped after a minute. And then there was the time I put my pizza in for 2 minutes to heat it up and ended up flinging the charred remains out the window with 9 minutes left on the timer.

7. Still have not discussed the baby naming. Sigh. Zeke is actually a favorite of mine. Never picked up by the husband though. Posted in: house , husband , kids , misc , preg

things on my mind (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. have you ever seen those commercials with betty white, where she has a dog in her lap? I think they are for pet meds or something. Have you ever seen the movie, lake placid? I can't think of betty white as that nice, clueless golden girl anymore. I think of her as mean, and evil, and I expect her to eat that dog's head off every time I see it.

2. I can't touch my crotch anymore, it's true. I was just sitting on the couch playing with a cap to my water bottle and dropped it between my legs. Well when I went to grab it I realized it wasn't that simple. I was bouncing around on the couch trying to get my hand in there with the force of momentum, but it wasn't happening. The husband was totally staring at me like I'd gone off the deep end. This blows. What if I wanted to touch my crotch for recreational purposes??? I'd be sol.

3. I have to take the 3 hour glucose test, a feat of super human strength considering it took 2 weeks of planning to take the one hour test. I've decided to bite the bullet and do it tomorrow, wasting a saturday so at least T could watch the kids, or maybe come with me and keep me company. I need to find a book in the house somewhere before I go. I wonder if tehre's any books I havent' read. If they had free wi fi at the lab this would be a piece of cake. They should have free wi fi anywhere people are waiting. Just think how docile people would be if they had free wi fi at the dmv!

4. How am I almost 29 weeks pregnant? My 2 week visits have started, I go back in 2 weeks. I've "only" gained 15 lbs so far. I say "only" because I'd assumed it'd be a lot more than that, and because I know 2 people who've gained 12-18 and they are barely halfway through the 2nd trimester. I asked the dr about my last delivery but he would. not. look. at. the. chart. I should have pressed the issue. I plan to ask direct questions about everything this time around. I think in my old age I just don't let people DO stuff anymore. With my first it was like I let them be in charge.. and at some point we both snapped and realized, hey, this is OUR kid.. and then later thought that was kind of dumb that it took so long.

5. We do not have any names picked out. The discussion is at a standstill because I can't think of any, he won't send me a list, and of all the names on my list he throws them all down because a lot of them have "en" or "an" endings. There is a name I love that ends in "en" and he does not want 3 kids with "en" endings. I need to find names I love without those endings, so if you have any, you'll have to suggest them. Posted in: list , preg , random

the answers, part 1 (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Duck Hunter said...
I'm headed to bed. Let's hear about how many hours of sleep a night you get. You seem to be up late tonight.

I am up late because I was moving furniture around directing the moving of furniture in my newly painted bedroom and I couldn't sleep! Normally I am in bed by 10 and I sleep till almost 9 when T leaves for work, so I get at least 9 hours of sleep; especially considering I sleep like a dead raccoon lately and don't even hear the kids get up... which is kind of alarming and hopefully fixes itself after the newbie is born.


Swistlesaid...
I'd like to hear pregnancy talk of any kind: eager, whiny, miserable, excited.

I can't do amusing pregnancy talk! The pregnancy is going well *knock wood* I mean I'm up and I'm painting a huge room for crying out loud. T doe the annoying-but-easy parts like edging and "hey give me more paint!" but the roller work on all the walls is all me. This time around it's a little weird. I always felt a certain "wtf? this is a miracle!" towards people who felt ick squick weird about baby movements but I have to say some of this baby's movements have given me pause! Fluffy likes to roll around such that I feel sliding under my skin. He also likes to stretch up and down, pushing my top and bottom at the same time, as if to say "oh, sorry, did you want to digest that?" and also has an uncanny affection for jabbing his foot in my upper left quadrant.. OVER my rib cage which is kind of... interesting. And then there's the hiccups. I never really felt hiccups with either of the other two, but this one seems to have the hiccups every day, several times a day. At any given moment I will be innocently sitting around and my whole belly will start hitching up and down.

My doctor appointments are very disappointing. I go in late (7pm) and it literally takes me longer to drive there. You might think that's an understatement but the dr is maybe 3-4 miles away and I am back home by a quarter after most days. I go in, sit down, they don't even bring my chart in the room, and they check the baby's heartbeat and then quickly pocket the doppler and walk out of the room as they say "okay see you in X weeks!" ooh.. kayyy... I don't know exactly what I want them to do.. chat about the weather? I have no idea.

And 3 months! I can't wait! That's so close! yet so far! It's also sad since this is probably the last one (I know swistle laughs) so it's the end of an era in some ways. I find myself worrying impossibly about the children while I'm gone; or that I'm going to die; or that I don't want an epidural, can I even HaNDLE that? And I don't have a doula. And the pain, it will hurt. I dont' want to be induced... and trying to remain hopeful that when they say the third one throws you for a loop, that a) it's a GOOD loop and b) that means "third time's the charm" and I can go into labor on my own!

Labor plans is a good thing to discuss with the dr isn't it?

***

and I have to stop typing now because those pesky children need me and this is long enough! I promise I'll finish in another entry. Posted in: kids , preg , random

happy birthday to mee (Never melts (meef)) by jen

things that have happened since I've bothered to update last: 1. MIL and FIL came over saturday to.. hang out and annoy us, then watched the kids while me and T went out to dinner alone. We went to a place we call George, which is a place I like to go because it's casual, the food is good, the menu is practically a book, the service is good, and it's close. They almost know us too. What' wrong Posted in: birthday , kids , preg , random , swimming , videos

babybaby (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. I had a prenatal appointment over a week ago that I forgot to record for myself. This is why I've sucked at the baby journal. I started one when I got pregnant with L and I think there's maybe 2 entries in it. The appointment was standard fare. Then the dr tried the doppler and predictably nothing could be heard. I was secretly hoping he'd tell me to come back, or send me out for an ultrasound Posted in: kids , preg , random

more cranky verbal spewage (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. what is WITH you people who can't stand your food to touch? Is it a real phobia or do people just do that so other people might think they are kinda cute? 2. I feel a little better this morning but I really want to clarify that most of the things that are pissing me off are a) really insignificant, there are just a lot of them! and b) have nothing to do with the children, really. Just days Posted in: kids , preg , random

wimp (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. I am tired. Yes I'm a wuss. I should stop complaining right this minute! Too bad I can't pry my fat ass off this chair too while I'm at it. I can either not throttle the children or I can do like housework and stuff. Some days I spend all day sitting on this chair or on the couch, throwing food and drink at the kids at intervals to keep them happy, while the house somehow gets exponentially Posted in: kids , preg , random

doula this doula that (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I am so freaking frustrated right now. I've been searching for a birth doula since sometime in 2004. I wanted one for my FIRST! I contacted the few I could find and no one even bothered responding to me, much less saying no. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, my resolve was that much stronger. Knowing what was involved I knew I'd want someone to help me in those ways. I couldn't find anyone new Posted in: cranky , doula , preg

fair (Never melts (meef)) by jen

One of the reasons I hate when T goes away for the weekend is because I have to slough through the weekend and then he goes to work and it's business as usual, only I'm slowly sinking because I never got a break, or even social interaction sometimes. And it seems to me that every time he takes Friday off it has repercussions that las all the next week. So he'll be gone fri/sat/sun and then work Posted in: cranky , preg

visit 1 (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Well tonight was my first ob visit. It went ok. It's pretty empty there at night. I was the only one there actually. When I came out, someone's coat was on a chair. The office has changed a lot since I'd been there last. Uniforms, dressy clothes on doctors. What alternate universe have I fallen into? When I met one of my drs for the first time, he had cargo shorts and a polo shirt on. They all Posted in: appointments , preg

stupid! stupid! stupid! (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Friday night when I was cooking chicken, because I forgot it was Friday, leave me alone; I decided to cut up the rest of the chicken and throw it in the crock pot knowing full well I wasn't going to be in the mood to cook it any other way. Then I cut up some potatoes, carrots and onions (I was making this up as I went along!) and Saturday it was my intention to cook it during the day. But Posted in: preg , random

a girl and her moon (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Every time we have some silly lunar event I am reminded of almost every single time I've gone outside to see it. The time on my mother's deck in the middle of the winter when I brought tea outside with me, or some time that I can't remember other than I was FREEZING, it was 2am or something, and I said "nice. can we go inside now?" I remember at least 2 from living here.. even took pictures of a Posted in: kidquotes , kids , preg

slob (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I'm reading a thread on a forum about maids. As I sit here in my messy house. We can't afford a maid, so it's not going to happen. But I don't like the word "maid," it's so demeaning to me. The whole idea of paying someone to clean up my messes doesn't really sit well with me. Someone in the discussion said that it's crazy how we are the only culture that doesn't have these types of workers. On Posted in: forum rants , kids , preg , random

dreams (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I had a dream last night that we had a baby boy. He was comically large, like a Far Side baby. I looked at him and he grinned at me like he was some sort of sentient being rather than a lump o' newborn. I spent the entire dream trying to find out how much he weighed, but for some reason no one knew. Last night L slept on the mutt bed again, and again she did not wake up at dinner and at 9:00 we Posted in: kids , preg , valentine

I know it's too early (Never melts (meef)) by jen

But I am talking to my aforementioned Annoying Friend about baby names and ... well... I'm annoyed. First she makes fun of my pronounciation. I say MEGan, she says MAYgen. Which means if we use that name (it's been on the books since L was the size of a grain of rice) then she's gonna say it wrong and I'm going to be driven to homicide at some point, right? I guess I have different tastes in Posted in: cranky , kids , preg

bah (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I have always been that annoying person who says things bluntly. In my mind, you were all thinking it, so why act so shocked when I say it out loud? Naturally I have legions of people who hate me, and a small band of merry followers who find this highly amusing. I do have some tact, but this pregnancy has been stressing my ability to shut up and move on. I have several friends who are just.. Posted in: cranky , preg

wherein I completely Out all my stalkers... (Never melts (meef)) by jen

since I know if someone in my family is reading this they are totally not gonna be able to shut up about THIS: Posted in: preg