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Today I've taken the day off to recuperate from rather bad night. We woke around midnight to feed Dana, the both of us a little bitchier than usual. I fscked up a few things, which in turn led to a rather serious discussion about the near future with Dana. At the time it sounded to me like a lot of
je t'accuse, which of course it wasn't.
That combined with a lack of real sleep and stress from work led to the heaviest bout of hyperventilation I've had in ages. It came quickly and heavily, with me almost fainting within minutes. I'm real glad that Marli kept a level head, first taking care of Dana and then of me. She knew I'd be safe for a few minutes while she did the rest. All in all everything took half an hour after which I'd gone completely weak and was shivery with cold. Because it put such a big strain on my body I thought it'd be better to rest up a day before returning to the office
Posted in:
bad
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hyperventilation
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not good
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panic
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Almost precisely three months after the last hyperventilation I've had one again. I woke somewhere around 0100 from Marli leaving the room because she couldn't sleep. At the same time I became aware of a tingling sensation in my lips and arms: the onset of the real "burning" attack (sounds like on of those superpowers from an anime ^_^ "SUPA BAAHNIN ATTAKKU GO!").
I reckon tonight's occurrence was linked to yesterday's stress.
Of course it sucked that I was saying goodbye to some great colleagues. Paul and Nico were the best managers I've had in years and the rest of my team are just a great bunch of guys. But aside from that there was also some hassle with colleagues from Snow, whom I'd pissed off mightily by quitting for a new job without telling them. I've talked it over with one of them (my field manager), but I expect at least some pain from two or three others when I drop by the Snow office for the last time. The prospect of that visit isn't a very happy one and causes me some anxiety.
You see, some would say that what I did was an assholeish and selfserving move; and I would agree with them. I had decided that I'd needed to be a bit greedy and an asshole (read: thinking strictly business, weighing and measuring gain versus losses, minimizing the risks only for me) in order to provide the best for my family. IMNSHO it is generally not a good idea to tell your boss that you're looking for a new job until you've found a new one and signed the contract and most business folks in my direct circle agree. So that's what I did.
I could've told Snow beforehand, but that would have impacted the clients I get assigned, my salary and my relations with the people in the company. And that would've gone on until I'd finally found the job I wanted. In my case this took five months, so that would've sucked pretty much. Seriously, why screw up a running contract when you don't even have a new one yet? I need to provide for a family and I can't do that if my employer wants me out. Hence the reason that I don't tell them that -I- want out. There's nothing they could've done to keep me onboard anyway, because once I make up my mind to leave somewhere I will. As I said a few weeks ago I'd lost touch with the essence of the company over a year ago. I just wasn't feeling comfortable anymore.
*sigh* I'd better go and get dressed for grocery shopping. I've demanded that Marli stay at home and in bed seeing how she hasn't had a wink of sleep tonight.
Posted in:
hyperventilation
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panic
,
sleep
,
stress
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Wow, last night's attack was way stronger than the previous ones! I'm very glad that Marli was still awake at the time, so she could talk me through it. Unlike last time I was unable to shrug it off and go back to sleep. I'm actually still feeling the ill effects of the hyperventilation: my muscles are wobbly and my stomach is an utter mess :/
It's obvious that this was brought on by everything that's going on at the moment. My final exams are coming up on Monday, I'm leaving college and I'm going through a lot of hassle with my job(s). In a few days I can tell you more about that last bit, but let's say that not all is "roses and moonlight".
Posted in:
hyperventilation
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panic
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sleep
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Yeah, I'm fairly sure now that the whole hyperventilation deal is my subconscious' way of expressing anxiety or stress. I mean, it's a bit obvious right? One day before my first exams I get an attack. Yeah...
I just wonder why the hell it originally developed this trick. The first time was years back, when I didn't like my job. Since then I've been making improvements to my life, but still they happen. Weird.
I'm just glad that Marli was still awake at that hour, so she stood by me. I could've handled it myself, but it's safer to let her know what's up.
Posted in:
anxiety
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hyperventilation
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panic
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stress