I am feeling totally fat lately. I AM fat, there's no kidding there. I remember when I met my friend R.. I'd met her online but then when it came time to meet in real life, she sent me to where she worked and said she was the fat one.. that she wasn't kidding, she was FAT in capital letters. I always thought that was funny.. yes she's fat.. and she doesn't mince words, but I've never really thought of her as fat.. just as HER. But anyway so in the past few days I've been feeling MEGA FAT, economy sized, blimpish, even. I am wearing a shirt that I've had for 10 years or something and that I wore through two pregnancies, one of which I thought I was bigger than ever, and wouldn't you know it I'm walking around like britney with 5 inches of my belly hanging out between my shirt and my shorts. And I was expecting packages in the mail, which means I had to go out there looking like this, and suddenly my driveway was VERY LONG.
It's harder to get on the floor, harder to get up, harder to roll around in bed, harder to find a comfortable sleeping position, harder to motivate myself to do pretty much anything. And damn I have 3 more months left, I should pace myself already.
All of this is just making me want to sit down all day, and sitting down all day isn't good for anything, it just makes me cranky and even LESS likely to do anything at all. Oh, sure, I'll do stuff for the children... if they bring it to me...
L is a freaking spiteful dog lately. Tick her off? Puddle. send her to her room, she calls me up there to tell me to clean the carpet. Matter-of-factly. I'm a little scared of her. It's making me stay on her good side and OH HEY shouldn't SHE be the one dancing around ME?? In the meantime I think I'll sleep with one eye open based on that GLARE she gave me. But for the most part she's not too bad and my frustration level has remained in check.
I keep thinking about what's to come and how NOW I'm mostly level headed and the toddler things they do really don't get to me. I can find humor in it. I can walk away, I go most days without raising my voice. I know when the baby comes and I have less sleep and a hormonal cocktail flowing through me that I might not be so level headed. I used to say the most frustrated I ever got with L was when I was pregnant. I haven't felt extra-frustrated with day to day issues, and I can't even remember what it was like last time. I am just afraid of what time will bring, afraid of being a screamy fishwife, yelling at them all day, or god forbid resorting to spanking them or something I don't do. I know, I'm scaring half of the people here, you've all got your finger on the dial... I am just not looking forward to feeling that way. Despite my recent heat related bitchiness I am kind of enjoying the even cruise through life here...
D is playful, he runs up to me and gives me big body slamming hugs, which include bites, an element that is crucial to him and if you reprimand him in any way for these little nips, he gets very very upset. It's like he thinks they are kisses and you are refuting his affection and to see his little face fall and start to cry just breaks my heart. But it also sucks being bitten in the armpit.
In all my annoyances I hope I remember to step back and enjoy things. Tonight I was putting the children to bed and I was in a hurry, my back hurt from standing, but we had to SING mind you. L has been singing for D. She says she's going to sing for "her" because she gets her pronouns mixed up and D and the dog are both "her" even though they are boys. We usually sing one or two verses of twinkle twinkle little star. she sat on his floor with their cat xylo-piano and played and sang a verse of twinkle twinkle little star, complete with the part where you sing the last line slower. then she got up and said "ok I get out of d's room now so he can go to sleep." Sigh. I can't be annoyed by that! I sang her FOUR verses while she pretended to fall asleep but opened her eyes to peek at me and then quickly squished them shut. I walked out of the room and she followed me like she always does, because she always has to pee again AFTER you put her in bed. She'll pee 5 more times before she's down for good.
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