things that are putting me in a bad mood today (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. Old Navy and their insistence that "plus size" means "neck hole big enough for a planet to fit through."

2. Finicky neck hole + shirt worn for FIVE MINUTES means, that the dog's already entrenched his feet inside my bra (HELLO!) and the kids insist on hanging from my bra straps and/or similarly putting their arms/legs inside my shirt via sad pathetic stretchy garage sized neck hole.

3. The fact that I have to go out. And I should have started getting the kids ready 10 minutes ago.

4. I don't want to leave the house. And the baby is sleeping so peacefully.

5. The fact that I have to come up with $4 in actual paper money in order to leave L in the gym day care.

6. The fact that I actually have to pay for gym day care, when people with a slightly different membership don't.

7. The fact that I had an extra day care coin, but lost it.

8. The house is a mess, and I'm unmotivated to clean it.

9. There are cheerios all over the floor in d's room.

10. There are apple jacks all over the floor in the family room.

11. The children act as if I'm starving them. They constantly whine for food. If they see food, they are HUNNGRRRYYYY. THEY MUST EAT! If I tell them no, then they go to the pantry and help themselves to whatever they find.

12. The fact that "whatever they find" tends to be "packets of instant oatmeal" and D rips them open and eats them dry right there. Which makes a mess. And wastes food. And hello? YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY FOOD because you just ate (insert astonishingly long list of food here)!!! Posted in: cranky

crap. sniffle. snort. (Never melts (meef)) by jen

So yesterday I was supposed to go take J to the ped for a weight check-in... and so I get the kids in the car (they were being bad!) cleaned the dog poop off the floor (he fear-poops whenever I leave the house. Don't you wish you were me!?) and this was after feeding the baby and waking L up from her nap and getting her dressed while she was unconscious and breathing bad-breath on me and screaming about the injustice of it all. Then I had to push and shove them to the car, strap them in (D pooped in his pants as SOON as we got out there! I JUST changed him! I was like... fuck it... he'll live...) and I go to sit down and I swear I feel an eerie silence.. and I glance at the dashboard clock to see how I'm doing time-wise and it's off and I think "oh, I have to start the car to see it" and then I think "no, that's not right.. it's always on... " and sure enough the car is DEAD... dead dead dead no clicking no mere flicker of life, NOT GOING TO START. But just in case, I turned the key 300 more times and held it back like I thought it was going to start by sheer force of will or something.

I called my mother to tell her she wouldn't have to babysit after all. I was annoyed, after spending all day stressing about this stupid weight check and now I'd have to think about it for another day. But then mom and I figured something out that involved a later appointment and me taking her car while she stayed at my house.

Things didn't end up good. I'd been stressing about it all week but trying to tell myself I had no way of knowing blah blah. The baby is down 14 oz to 9lbs even from his birth weight and he didn't gain one ounce all week. I have no idea HOW. "he eats good" All of my kids "ate good" and still didn't gain weight at first. L has always been low in the percentiles. D had a slow start but then nursed all day and night because of his reflux and gained a lot of weight really fast or else I think he'd have been the same as L. They are both tall and skinny and they eat all day now, you'd think they'd "catch up" once they started eating solids but they didn't. But the dr refused to see this, I can see why, but I still felt like I was being sent to the principal's office. Here I am sore and nursing what feels lke all day and then this dude who knows not much about nursing tells me I have to time him to 10 minutes per side and FLICK HIM when he dozes off. Man... some people think nursing is all about food and nothing else. I'm not flicking my kid OR putting ice cold washcloths on his neck thank you very much.

So it was kind of an upsetting appointment where I got the feeling he thinks he did me a favor by "letting" me take my child home and now I'm completely paranoid that he will continue to not gain weight and we'll be back in the hospital on IVs and bottles and formula (and bilirubin lights, just to piss me off.)

And now because of one offhand remark by him I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING anymore. I don't know when he's hungry, I feel like I think every cry is a hungry cry. I feel so off my schedule and unconfident and just generally like I'm one step away from fucking it up. I'm nursing and then pumping and trying to see how much he'll drink from a bottle after that (never much) I'm just stuffing the boy so he'll gain weight which I know he'll never be able to keep up with that fast of a gain but we'll worry abou that later. Last night my efforts were foiled though, because it seems you can't suck when your nose is full of crud. Yes, the baby has a horrible cold and spent the night rattling, wheezing and squeaking. I woke him up several times to try and make him eat (!!??) and he was all "leave me ALONE, woman!"

At one point I had to sleep sitting up holding him upright just so he could breathe. He kept panicking and screaming and I couldn't clear his nose out no matter what I tried. He was like that all day today and seemed to come out of it later in the day after I squirted milk up his nose as a last resort... Works much better than saline, but no idea why.



And I'm not convinced these antibiotics did their job and I can tell things are lapsing ugh. Well at least we're not PURPLE. But we might be soon.

D has this cold too, he fell asleep on the dog's bed. He woke up crying and I had to clean him up and give him some Tylenol and then he perked right up and ate like a whole sleeve of crackers. This kid is a bottomless pit as far as food and I think I'll have to get a job just to keep enough food around for him.



The dog is all, "hey where am I supposed to sleep, bitches??" Posted in: cranky , kids

some random thoughts of the day (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I'm leaving this window open so I can record all my bitchtastic thoughts throughout the day.

1. This is the song my daughter was singing along to in the car yesterday. I can't wait till she starts singing it in front of the in laws.

2. I can't walk from one end of my house to the other, Why is my husband asking me if we can go look at couches today????

3. I've inherited many couches and chairs in my day, and none of them have been too horrible to sit on. Including the red one, that we found a fossilized whole orange inside that was so old it didn't even smell anymore. Why can't I just buy a couch online??

4. NO I WILL NOT GO TO THE PETTING ZOO AND APPLE PICKING

5. What part of "I can't walk, my back feels like it's ripping apart, every day I wonder if today's the day my body breaks in half" do you have trouble with?

6. Please do not tell me "oh you'll have fun once you get there" as you watch me hobble across the kitchen pushing the laundry with a broom stick and holding on to the counter for support.

7. What's the proper thing to say when someone comes up to you or your child and just point blank says "did you get a haircut? You look silly!"

8. I don't like when the kids throw the dog's tennis balls in the house. In fact, I'm always yelling at them for throwing balls in the house. But now that MIL is yelling at them for throwing balls in the house, I want to ENCOURAGE the little bastards to throw balls wherever they want.

9. Yes, you told me all about those nice chairs you saw. THREE TIMES.

10. I feel really bad that I keep coming in here to hide :( I am just in an antisocial mood today, and every dumb thing they talk about enrages me further. I've tried to make myself in a better mood and it just didn't work. I've snapped at the husband without meaning to, so I guess "J's in a bad mood" is already established. I wish I could re-do today.

11. I will. not. be. seen. in. public. in. a. wheelchair.

12. Hey.. why do you have a wheelchair in your van? no.. nevermind.. I don't want to know.

13. hmm.. should I put the boy down for his nap or suffer the consequences later?

14. I don't know where to go for dinner.

15. Why do we always talk about lame things? Like when they didn't believe me when I said the ezpass tag is coded with your vehicle type, why did we have to spend 20 minutes pondering that? I mean how DO they know what kind of vehicle you are? And how is this different with high speed ezpas than any other kind of ezpass?? But why even ponder that?

16. I have an amusing rabid hate for ezpass. I don't really hate them but every time I have to use their site I end up screaming at it. It's run so inefficiently it's actually past the point of amusing. I bet the whole back end is written in FORTRAN or something.

17. I'm having trouble with the kids and milk, especially the girl. Lest we go into grody details, I have a hunch (as I always have) that my kids have an allergy to milk. Thus, I had wanted them to be milk-free for awhile to see if it helped. I bought rice milk for their cereal, because let's just say things have gotten a lot worse since T started feeding them cereal for breakfast. T doesn't believe me. We got into a huge argument and I screamed at him to just fucking humor me asked him to just go with it for a couple weeks. But it's not going to happen, because I see him all the time, sneaking her milk or things with milk in it. I feel like I'm failing my kid here, because I'm 90% sure that's the problem, but I can't get other people to respect me enough to realize that. The older they get, the harder this is. I have no idea what to do about this. Maybe I can fabricate a doctor visit and tell everyone "the doctor says..." Maybe I'll sneak some peanuts into his diet. When he's dying on the floor of anaphylactic shock, I can just tell him to man up... "it's just a little!"

18. There is a GIANT BEE HIVE in our tree. It's bigger than a basketball. it's also way up at the top of the tree. I suppose this is better than last year's location inside our umbrella. But I hate bees. I'd like to shoot it down with fire but the husband says no. And my FIL is the funniest person in the world for suggesting we send our 2 yo up there to get it.

19. I had my appt yesterday to renew my prescription. In addition I had to pick up 2 referrals and stop for a couple other errands. Putting 2 kids in and out of car seats 200 times in one day is exhausting! But I got a lot done yesterday and just crashed when I got home. I have a bpp u/s on tuesday, and my dr appt is tuesday as well. Hopefully I can get the "sit on the monitor" portion done with on Tuesday night.

20. I found out something deeply horrifying about the Dr I Like and I don't know what to think now. I feel like this whole thing is sprialing out of my control, and part of me just wants to push through, and not do any damn thing about it.

21. There is a mouse in my car. grr.

22. I totally forgot to mention today is our 6th anniversary. We are splitting this joint (FINALLY) I have no idea where we want to go but instead of talking about it I told him to let's just get in the car and .. decide. I bet we'll end up at Walmart where I can ride a scooter around and see if it's as fun as A seems to think. We'll be leaving in style... in T's car... that's rodent-free. At the end, we'll go out to eat. Posted in: cranky , il visit

how to drive a pregnant woman insane in 10 easy steps (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. call her up and ask if she's scheduled those biophysicals yet.

What? I don't know anything about that. Oh, didn't the dr talk to you about it at your last appointment. Uh.. no. YOU were standing right there, too. Oh. Well I'll have him call you. After much mental bitching about questionable protocol at that office, The nice dr himself actually called me from his cell phone. 1x weekly biophysical profile, 1x weekly monitoring sessions. You have a ton of extra fluid in there, and we don't know why. Wouldn't this be something that might have been noted earlier than my last appointment, considering the ultrasound results came in on the 12th?

2. Let her google hydroamnios, scare crap out of herself in the process.

Hey, I have every symptom on this list, but no one put it together but this last guy? Where was he the whole time? I could kiss him. For acting like a doctor.

3. Keep her prescription hostage, forcing her to call all over creation to try to get it transfered or get a new one.

I have had trouble filling this prescription for 7 years now. When will it end? I called the pharmacy that holds it, who is out of stock "for the indeterminate future" and will not give it to me or allow it to be transfered to the supermarket pharmacy I go to now. Supermarket pharmacy chick snapped her gum in my ear and said there's squat she can do. Call the doctor, ask her to write a new one or call it in to supermarket pharmacy. Secretary says she'll do that.

2 hours later, secretary calls back and says some things I don't understand.

"can you please talk louder? I really can't hear you."
"I am talking louder."

(I swear I've had that exact conversation with that bitch before.)

"you can't get your drugz unless you go see the dr again." "but I had FOUR REFILLS left till I had to go in again." "I don't care, I'm just telling you what she said."

4. Insist the next available appointment isn't until November.

this is kind of important, and I'm out, having run out in the reasonable time I allotted for the refill to come in the mail. Can't you just call it in in the meantime?

5. No

6. Suddenly have an appointment available after pregnant woman throws a hissy fit which involves the words "I'm pregnant. I don't need this shit."

Tomorrow.

7. Act like a turd when asked to fax a referral to another doctor.

I mean, they wouldn't advertise that they have fax machines then, right? I was also informed that "normally this takes 3-4 business days, but I will do it for you JUST THIS ONCE, not in the future, okayyy?" You know how people say "okay" really slowly, like you're a brain damaged elephant who just peed on the floor "let's not do that again, okayyy?" I don't have the mental energy to really do anything about it so I just... laugh. Okay whatever.

8. Threaten to cancel newly assigned appointment if that referral isn't there "by the time I leave today."

"well, um, what time are you leaving?" "I don't know yet."

9. Inform patient she cannot under any circumstances let her referral go anywhere with anyone other than her, even her HUSBAND, for whom said office is conveniently on his way home.

sigh. morons.

10. Leave her to wonder whether prescription and hydroamnios issues are related. Posted in: addict , cranky , drugz , junkie , prego

huh. (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Well it seems like my cranky assed humor went over like a lead balloon. I was only kidding (when I said that I loved you, baby) I'm not really that mad, I just hate when people tell me things like "oh you're nesting!" or like last night when I was fumbling for my insurance card while on the phone, and my friend claimed I had "prego brain" when in reality I was merely looking for my insurance card, while on the phone, in a pile of 200 other cards. That always takes longer when someone is waiting. Ten minutes later I told her I was having Fat Finger Syndrome and couldn't get my trackpad to work. I was clicking all over creation and dragging things I didn't mean to drag. It was kind of amusing until she said "why? You're all bloated, huh?" I'm not bloated.. YOU'RE bloated... It seems like some people are just looking for ways to poke me in certain ways, doesn't it? It reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad would come up to me and out of the blue, we'd have the following conversation:

him: "hey what are you doing?"
me: "nothing.. just reading this."
him: "what's the matter, you cranky?"
me: "no.. not cranky at all."
him: "I think you're cranky. You sound cranky."
me: "no.. I'm not cranky."
him: "are you SURE you're not cranky?"
me: "I'm not cranky!"
him: "Yes you are, see!"
me: "NO I'M NOT!"
him: *gets up and walks away with a satisfied smirk* "I THOUGHT so."

***

In other not-cranky news, as of last night I'm all pre-registered for the hospital. I don't know what that means. The woman said I can now just walk right up to maternity and I'd be set. Well I did that last time and T still had to go downstairs and register us so.. I guess we'll just walk in there and play dumb again.

I have another appointment tonight. Between the "every week" appointments and the fact that the new world order in the office can't seem to coordinate it so that I go the same day every week, I feel like I was JUST THERE. And no I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Tonight I have to take the children with me. Won't that be fun? It's their bedtime. Oh this should be fun. It takes me 20 minutes total, usually, from my door back to my door... and with the kids I bet it'll take me 20 minutes just to get them in the car so we can leave. And then another 20 to get them OUT of the car. And then another 45 to get them back IN the car... On the bright side, since I will be handling 2 rabid tasmanian devils, I will have more ground to stand on when I tell them that certain orifices have been designated "exit only" until the 12lb baby emerges. (even then, grand re-opening is iffy.)

Hmm it's really quiet out there. I should go investigate. Posted in: cranky , kids , preg , random

I could be nesting, or you could be raging asshole. (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I think I have officially arrived at that cranky pregnant woman stage, where when other people whine to me that they can't wait for this baby to come out already makes me want to beat them to a bloody pulp and leave them for dead on the side of the road.

Why do people say that? Do they think they have an original thought? That they are the only ones who are excited? Or they all have their own selfish agendas that do not take into consideration the fact that I can barely stand up, and I can no longer sit without repositioning my belly, and if I choose to sit with my legs in the same state as each other I can't sit upright. But it's not like I can't wait, no, no... that can't be it.

I still have to do housework. The house is falling apart, sure, I'm doing the bare minimum. But I still have to cook for the children (spouse optional. he's big enough to cook for himself.) and I have to sort-of dress them and clean them off and stuff, and I have to run the dishwasher, bring the paper in, keep the mail from accumulating and clean up toys so I don't trip and die and stuff. So last night when I finally tripped over the dog's crate one too many times and announced to the husband that TONIGHT was the night he was moving those boxes to the attic, and wasn't taking any wimpy excuses from him; and decided to sit on the bed barking orders and folding the clothes that have accumulated up there over the past week; WHY is it that when it felt good to have my newly decorated room all nice and clean, do people just cutely tell me "ooh maybe you're nesting!"

I don't know why this bugs me, I have always generally hated when people think they know what I'm thinking and act all cute like this. Maybe I'll just ignore everyone who doesn't kiss my ass during this difficult time. And if I am indeed "nesting" and have a baby tomorrow night, then those people won't hear about it till later.

P.S. Do not taunt me and say "I'm annoying you, aren't I? Hee Hee!"

P.P.S. I do not know what I'm having. I am not hiding anything from you. If I were, I would say "I know what it is, but I'm not telling you, Hee Hee!!!"

P.P.P.S. I vacuumed last night, and I liked it! Until the end, when my back gave out. But the carpet has pretty lines on it now. Posted in: cranky , prego

I hate my OB (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I guess doctors and other so-called "professionals" are not immune to the daily juvenile behavior that keeps all of us gossip-hounds amused on a day to day basis. The long story of it is that I left a practice while I was 20-something weeks pregnant with D, and unknowingly stepped into a snake pit when I joined another practice, not knowing that the founder of that practice used to work with my dr and had a falling-out with him. My old dr's staff treated me so badly as a result of that that I can never go back if I ever changed my mind.

I was very happy at this new place while I was pregnant with D. It seemed to fix all the problems I had with the first place. My dr was always happy to see me, remembered my name, my daughter's name, what we talked about last week. He actually sat down and chatted with me for a few mins and was personable and friendly.

I guess I'm asking too much here.

I never went back for my 6w checkup, and later found out the 2 drs (non-founding member) that I enjoyed seeing had left the practice because they both moved their families elsewhere. I also found out after I got pregnant, that there were 2 new drs, and the original dr was consorting with the old dr I left once again. So now they're running two practices but both of their names are on both, and my dr now has office hours in this other guy's practice.

This irritates me greatly. And as I've come to see, the old dr's influence is all over this damn practice. No more casual outfits and fun chatty drs. no more chats, caring, or result sharing. Now when I ask for results I get a cold demeanor and "it was normal, no need to worry about it." Guess what, fucko.. I want the numbers.

I don't know why I've been bumbling along like this. I guess it wasn't bad, my regular dr is nice to me even though he's a two timing bastard. One of the other drs is pretty decent too. But it's the third one that I take issue with, and we all know who's going to be on call when I go, right? This guy is like a frat boy with a stethoscope. He's totally hard to get an appt with, and I KNOW it's because lots of pregnant woman think he's cute and "dreamy" and such. (insert rolling-eyes projectile-barfing emoticon here)

So my appointment last night was a total bust and I left feeling really bitchy. I walked in, no sitting down, went right to the back and got weighed and had my blood pressure taken, did all the usual. Got led to an exam room. Dr. Frat Boy came in 10 seconds later, practically shoves me backwards on the table and tells me we're going to listen to the heartbeat now. No "hello, how are you doing?" just straight to business. He listens to the heartbeat for 2 seconds, never making eye contact with me. Then he threw a wad of tissues at me, walked out of the room, and said "come back next week" as he was walking away.

W.

T.

F.

???

So now I'm laying there like an upended turtle and I have no idea where the goop is, not that i can see under my belly from this angle, mind you. So I threw the tissues on the floor and just pulled my pants up over it. Whatever, it's just water-based gel I don't know why everyone is so afraid of it. As I walked down the hallway he was in the office chatting on the phone and just stared at me as I walked by. No "goodnight!" or anything.

And I was back at the desk making my appointment before the nurse was even back to sitting down from leading me to the exam room.

So I never got to hear about my GBS results, or the results of my ultrasound. I don't know how I'm going to handle that, I guess I could have/should have said something right then but I didn't have my thoughts collected, I was still in shock. And I think I get to know everything that was on that ultrasound.

Next week my appt is with the other dr, hopefully it goes well and I get what I want. And I'm pretty sure the owner should know how things went down, but I'm not sure how to bring it up.

***

To end on a happy note: Amusing Kid Anecdote:

Yesterday afternoon we were out on the front porch. There's a car, and another little ride-on toy out there and they like to ride them back and forth across the porch. The porch is narrow, so it's one in front of the other, and all the chairs have to be sideways. I've gotten used to this, I guess. So I'm sitting in the chair, and L comes by in her car, D following her in the girly care bear car. She stops short, he rams her from behind and starts flipping out and screaming at her "GO! GO!" and she turns around and says "D, no. We dont' do that." And D starts howling and screeching and intentionally ramming her from behind with his car.

She then turns around again and informs him "we can't go. We hafta wait for da light to change." Posted in: aka , cranky , doctor , kidsquotes , preg

the new toddler (Never melts (meef)) by jen

First I'd like to thank you all for my name discussion. You can still comment! hee hee. It's given me a lot to think about. And made me feel better about some of my choices since other people seem to like them. I always feel like we are so "boring" with our names. Lots of people have these cool and exotic names and if you knew us you'd know what I mean when I say "it's not us." I don't in any way mean to make the current group of names sound "boring" just that I always would think other people think that. Why yes, I am in jr high and in constant need of social reaffirmation.

Today The past bunch of days has been a bad moon for people with children. I've heard it all from just about everyone. Their kids are turning into werewolves and displaying atrocious behavior. This morning the children were talking and talking and talking and fighting and talking and screaming and I kept trying to interrupt them, so I could TELL THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY AND GO INSIDE ask them to please be quiet for awhile, mommy is tired and just woke up. Except every time I opened my mouth one of them would pipe up with something and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I don't like to yell over them, as much fun as it is to think that. But I seriously couldn't see straight. I couldn't read anything, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I hate those days. Also: How does a toddler have the patience to sit there and say "mommy I made a house." "mommy I made a house." "mommy I made a house." OKAY!!!! I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! and yet flip a nut and roll on the floor screaming in agony if her shoe isn't cooperating?

Have I mentioned L is turning into some kind of ogre? She's 3 going on 13. She's like a little pint sized dramatic teenager complete with major attitude and crying fits and running up to her room to slam the door. Last night was a difficult night because I was trying to stand firm on some things that need to be fixed. There was a lot of Yelling. Not really all on my part. A lot of me feeling bad and "aw, just do it for her already, it's not a big deal, is it? No! mustn't give in!" and at one point she was PULLING HERSELF ALONG THE FLOOR WITH HER ARMS and whining that her legs didn't work. And making fakey fake pouty cry faces. I was trying not to laugh, feeling very badly, yet at the same time I knew she was just Fucking With Me. Things will be better when she gets used to the (small number of) new rules we're enforcing, right? I'm not being mean and cruel, I'm just being firm. So why do I feel like a sack of crap?

I could talk about how D has been asserting himself more and seems to be on the very edge of the Terrible Twos: Primal Screaming Phase, but I think he's fighting something off so I'll reserve judgment till later and hope at least one of them stays sweet and cute till November or so.

Oh come on they are both adorable, you realize that right? And besides, I can always annoy them into running into their rooms and slamming the door.

Then to top things off, this afternoon I was abducted by aliens woke up from a nap sitting upright in my chair, except I don't remember consenting to any nap; hell I don't even remember being tired enough to fall asleep in my chair. It must have been a good one. I woke up a little, just skirting the edge of consciousness, totally secure in the knowledge that I was sitting in T's car and we were driving somewhere. Then I wondered if I was a passenger or maybe if I was driving. That's never good. Then I woke up with a start and the dog, who was sleeping on my neck, scrambled off me and ran away. (what, your dog doesn't do that?) Man, near as I can tell I was out for at least an hour. I feel great now, so that's something, right? Posted in: baby names , children , cranky , random

ruff (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. I am having a rough month. I know, I know. I feel like I can't face this thing anymore. I can't write anything witty to save my life. My thoughts are all over the place. You think this blog is tangential, imagine the inside of my head. I've had kind of a rough week, 3 major things, none of which I really want to talk about here. I suppose that wasn't fair, I hate when people do that to me. But they involve other people, and it's not fair to them.

2. Yo Gabba Gabba. Discuss.

3. Last week I went for my saturday appt at the ob. I had told T we should all go, then we could to go the store afterwards. But then we ran out of money and the store trip was canceled. But for some reason we all went anyway. I didn't question it... maybe he just wanted to go. I dragged him in the exam room for my 2minute exam so he could hear the heartbeat. The kids acted in a way that reminded me why I don't bring them. The dr gave T the doppler and let him find the baby's heartbeat. I thought that was kind of cool. T was afraid to push down very hard but really pretty much got it on the first try. Okay the dr told him where to press, and the dr remembers where to get it.

4. The week before that we spent up at the beach. I convinced T to take half of Friday and all of Monday off and we had a great time. We arrived late Friday night (thanks traffic!) and left Monday after lunch and got home for dinner. The kids fought like rabid weasels in the car and we vowed never to go anywhere again, at least not without a dvd player or something. But we had perfect weather for it. On Monday we went to the museum, and that was fun, but a whole other bitch fest. I'm only mentioning this so I remember the pain but I am not going to dwell on it. I also had occasion to hit chuck-e-cheese for the first time in my life and I have to say a) that place is totally overrated and b) that place is totally smaller and brighter than I was expecting.

5. T wants to go to the beach one more time this year, but I'm mentally done. I am so lazy and fat and unmotivated it's not even funny. I just want to sit in a comfortable chair all day long and talk to my friends online or something. I don't want to clean or walk around or go to places or have to eat at the table with those stupid chairs and the zero amount of room to maneuver around the table because naturally the fat pregnant lady has to sit all the way at the end of the table that's surrounded by 3 walls, and the 26 lb three year old gets to sit on the other end that's open and has a better chair. I don't want to eat out, or not be able to shower at the drop of a hat, or not be able to sleep, or climb the steps, or have to walk in sand... I am just feeling sorry for myself. Actually I hate myself for being so unmotivated. But I know it's temporary, why can't HE understand that? I know how stupid this all sounds. None of these things are a big deal, but added up they just get me all aggravated. I guess the biggest thing is my mind isn't open anymore. Last week the door closed and I feel like that part of summer is over now. But no one will agree with me, everyone is actually aghast that I'm not currently packing. Feel free to hate me. At least YOU don't have a 52 inch lead balloon hanging off the front of you.

6. I switched my feed to "full" because it kind of annoys me when I'm in a feed reader and I still have to go to the page to finish reading the post. What are your thoughts on this?

7. Congratulations to semi desperate housewife on her cute baby boy. It's been a long trip and I enjoyed reading along. It seems like so long ago I started reading her blog and she was something like 15 weeks along and I thought she was sooo much farther along than me. Ha! I guess at this point I have 6 weeks, tops.

8. D is doing something to his naps. He wasn't always willing to go down at his normal time so I pushed it back. Probably too far, but it's hard to work around certain parts of our day. But now he wakes up crying and screaming and does so for an hour. Nothing makes him happy. I can let him cry in his crib or I can let him sit on the floor by my feet and cry (crying louder if I leave the room!) Either way, I want to cry too. Maybe I should go back to 11:00 naps. But with the 2:00 naps, they both nap! hmm... normal day... vs.... 3 hour nap for me, ending with some crying and drama. HMM. Posted in: beach , cranky , kids , preg

aftermath (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I am recovering from my two days. To feel even cruddier, my friends are throwing me a baby shower and that's why they wanted me there so badly (and here I thought I was popular hee hee.. confused... but very very in demand!) and now I feel even worse about it but I am going to make a conscious effort to close that door and not let myself worry about it any more. I also invited them here in November in case they want to gawk at a newborn.

I am feeling a little better, it's amazing what a day can do to make you feel like "what was that all about" and this isn't even postpartum. It reminded me of the postpartum time and then got me all mad. D used to cry all day and all night. I did not like D very much. He cried and cried and cried no matter what I did. It was always an angry demanding "how dare you" kind of cry that I took personally (there is no logic in postpartum!) and I just remember how everyone told me it was in my head, or "he just needs to go outside!" As if they'd missed the cranky woman with the screaming red stroller walking up and down the street. Or "he's such a happy baby what are you talking about" Sure he's happy NOW...

L is just at my last nerve. I miss my cute little L. I cannot stand to look at the child lately. I feel bad for this. As if that's somehow mentally abusive, even. She has her moments. But then she has her MOMENTS. I am trying to tell myself these are the easy years. I bet someday I'll look back on it and think it was easy. That I want to trade whatever problems I have then for these. Suffice it to say there are intentional puddles all over my house. There is defiance, and intentional puddleage in front of my very own eyes. There was the hand swatting the backside, and the resulting glare of indifference. I am at a total loss. People tell me "oh there will be setbacks" or "they all do this" but I don't know about you - I've never heard about this. Setbacks to me always meant accidents. This is like a supernanny nightmare. Plus I want someone to tell me what to do, not brush me off and say they all do that.

In other news, I have decided girl child is going to earn her toys back. T disagrees with this but I am callously uncaring towards his opinion right now. After all he just shrugs and says "sorry." when I tell him about this stuff. (does anyone else detest the husband's weak "sorry." It's like he's saying "better say something, so she shuts up and I can keep doing what I'm doing!") I recently put all the toys in the closet, just to be neat! and clean! and instituted a sanity saving rule where only one toy from the closet could be out at a time! The children do not seem to mind this, they will put the stuff away before getting something else out. They are adaptable! T on the other hand thinks it's "rediculous" (T could stand to learn to spell) and that "we all forget what's in there." Two and Three year olds do not forget! I never forget! And even if they forget, so what, it's new to them! T forgets.

I want to scream at him. Suddenly I was brought right back down to my sniveling falling apart crying mood and I want to yell at him.

"Until the day comes that you clean up this house every night and pick up every single piece to every single toy and put them all away in the correct location, then STFU!"

***

Yesterday had to have been the crappiest fourth of july I've ever had in my life. I was in a bad mood, things were happening, husband was at work late, I had freaking mcdonald's for dinner, it rained, we didn't have a cookout or go swimming or even see fireworks. T isn't into any kind of holiday stuff and it infuriates me. I can go through the motions but it's no fun if no one is around to really get into it with me. When I do try to do stuff he just seems put upon and then I get frustrated and give up. I made a big Easter diner, but he couldn't have cared less. Then he said "I don't really like ham, you know that." and retired to his computer room with pretzels. This is what I have to work with!

So instead I broke out some 3 year old glow sticks and since it was dark and rainy, it worked out perfectly. Just a teeny little ray of light in an otherwise glum day. I know I need to do more of this stuff with the kids but I find myself wanting to do it when he is not around. That way it's just us, and maybe they will remember that we had fun and did things like that. Posted in: cranky , fourth of july , kids , toilet training

don't read this if you were in a good mood (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Well it seems like I got in the way of a giant glop of hormones falling from the sky today. In fact I no longer remember what it is specifically that I'm upset about, but... where was I going with this?

I am so worn out lately. we put 7 coats of paint on our bedroom walls over the course of a week. One coat every 24 hrs! 2 coats of primer and FIVE coats of red before it looked passably acceptable enough for us to say "fuck it." We did this at night, after the children went to bed, so we painted from 9 to 11 most nights. It's a big room. The bedroom is still a mess, T is a horrible sloppy ass painter and he has a lot of clean up to do, and then I have to vacuum, and then he has to put the furniture back, and then I have to put all the STUFF back on the walls. in the meantime the bedroom is an odd maze and not the sanctuary that I pictured. All in good time I suppose. I had looked up some artwork online to spiff up the walls but I can't bring myself to put nail holes in those bastard walls after all the aggravation of the paint. However, the color looks pretty and I'm very happy with it. I'm just impatient to get re-settled.

This past weekend T was away for 2 days at a con, and I spent all day Saturday swimming and sitting in the sun, Sunday I spent alone and ignoring the children and .. what day is today? Okay so I "let" him go, the least he could do is appreciate my resulting state of mind.

This weekend we were going to a reunion of some people I know online. Except for some reason* T can't have Friday off and now I just want to say "fuck it" again and stay home. It's simply not worth it to me to drive Saturday, and drive again Sunday, and I certainly don't "do" late night trips. It's a 4 hr trip that took us over 5 hours last time, no idea how or why. And I just want to wash my hands of the whole thing to be honest. I want to see them, but I.. just don't care about anything anymore.

*"some reason" probably being that he forgot to put in for it or something, and now he's stuck with a big project anyway... part of me is a little pissy because if he'd been going to a con, he would be busting ass to be done and take Friday anyway, but saying that makes me sound bitter.

Next weekend we are going to the beach (maybe all these consecutive weekends with crap to do are what's making me cranky, just a theory) except I'll be alone for Fri/Sat/Sun while he's gallivanting around some convention that I had to argue my way out of driving him to (because I don't want to drive, but my reasons are "stupid" so I won't bore you with them) and then he will come back to the beach some time sunday night he says, only to go back to our house here so his friend can spend the night, hey he promised! and then back on Monday morning, so we can leave 'sometime Monady' I think this is teh stupid. Everyone I relate this plan to just has a funny look on their faces and they are probably right.

So today I just finally lost it all and I'm not proud to say that. Look at the rich fat woman home in a huge house with 2 great kids complaining about her life. Well I'm just tired, I am tired of hearing myself say I'm tired, I'm tired of people just brushing me off, I'm really going to drop dead soon, see I can't even think or talk rationally. I have tried grabbing him and saying "LISTEN TO ME" Okay I only have 2 kids and I really don't have a lot to do during the day but dammit this is what happens when you go this far without a moment alone. damn, when was the last time I took a shower? I can feel the unspoken "well she wanted another kid" waves from the husband, but this isn't how it should be, we should be a family, not a woman and some kids living with a guy who thinks he's a bachelor. He never gets tired. He will always go do stuff he wants to do. He will never appreciate my worn-down-ness so I should stop telling him, if for no other reason than he stops bitching to his friends about how his wife has finally gone off the deep end. He does everything for everyone and I feel selfish wanting him to direct all that energy to US instead.

And I don't even know exactly what I'm out of sorts about. I just want to lay down and sleep all summer. Posted in: cranky

foul. (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Dear C,

Why is everything such a competition with you and your kids? They are smarter! cuter! bigger! outgrow clothes MUCH FASTER! sicker! sleep more! eat more! less! better! SOMETHING! than my kids. No matter what anyone says, you must one-up them. WTF is your problem, woman?

***

Dear Everyone Else,

Why must you pander to her ego?

***

Dear People Who Slow Down in Front of My House and Totally Stare for up to 5 Minutes at a Time,

Why???

***

I had my 20w u/s Friday. It was totally anticlimactic and I'm still kind of cranky about it. First of all T was letting the kids talk loudly nonstop and letting them run around the little room and spin the chairs around. I was laying on my back like a fat dead turtle and the tech was between me and him. I was furtively trying to communicate to him somehow "will you round them up and make them shut up!!" but when I finally did say out loud "don't let them do that!" as they were RIDING a wheeled stool, he gave me an annoyed "shut up, already." look, that if I could get up, I'd probably have punched him in the mouth.

Then, L literally did not shut up the whole time. I felt bad for the tech, who probably couldn't concentrate. I know that L can make your eyeballs vibrate. It's like he thought the u/s was just for our amusement, not for the medical information.

She didn't let us listen to the heart tones. In any u/s I like to see the heart first so I don't obsessively try to look for any sign of the slightest movement.

And I am kind of sore that he got mad at me when I suggested finding out what we were having. I think if I have another u/s I'm not telling him about it, or purposely having it when he can't be there, and then I'll find out and not tell him *evil grin*

But we did annoy the poor kid, who kept running away from the probe. And we got 3 pictures, all of which are exactly the same. And she said everything looked good. But at the same time she was very quiet. But maybe she wanted to smack L.

I'm just sad that I was excited for it for awhile and it was just kind of boring and I hate to say 'boring' but I'm also sad that it's probably my last 20w u/s.

***

T left me here alone this weekend and I'm slowly going insane. It's very hot and the heat is really getting to me. I'm exhausted and cranky and for some reason, very very hormonal. I feel like I have perpetual Very Low Blood Sugar. No matter how much I eat or drink. M&B; invited me up to the house for the weekend but since I had my u/s I couldn't go Thursday and I don't want to drive in the traffic now. And I'm tired. So, so tired. I'd probably fall asleep before I got to the end of my street. And the heat. And the doing everything alone.

I talked to my mother and she got all huffy and implied I can't possibly be too tired, I'm young, and she WORKS you know, and it just really annoys me today (like I said, hormonal) that I can't say "no, I don't want to, I'M TIRED!" and people tell me to suck it up and Shut Up Already when I've been operating 2 blinks away from Comatose for the past 2 weeks and I swear between the heat and the tired I'm going to just drop dead soon. I can only imagine how ornery things will be around here in about 10 or 12 weeks or more.

Never said I was having trouble dealing with LIFE, dear mother. All I said was I didn't want to drive up there alone, do everything THERE myself (which is somehow harder than doing it HERE, but don't ask me why. Maybe the big gaping OCEAN that's in front of the house, but I'm not sure.) and THEN find the energy to drive home. Her solution is that it's worth it! It's not worth it when I can just go there next weekend.

And the only thing keeping me from going insane here is the wry smile I get when I think of the fact I can go to the beach whenever I want and she can't. HA!

***

Alas, I have to go see this wonderful woman tomorrow. And I'm really annoyed at T for not at least taking the air conditioners out of the attic. And I'm really annoyed that we don't have central air already. I wonder how mad he'd get if I just said "surprise, honey.." one day. I wonder how long it'd take for him to notice. I bet central air is probably cheaper than window bars for every upstairs and high window in this house. We already have the ducts and vents. It's just a matter of acquiring the units.

Can someone tell me if it's normal for toddlers to be hellbent on breaking screens and leaning out windows? Amusingly my mother has a solution for me. It made me smack myself in the head with a spatula and think "gee, why didn't I think of that!" Her solution is simply to tell the children NOT to fall out the windows. Simple! Posted in: cranky , forum rants

get a grip (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I have been feeling like I just can't handle things lately. I go flying off into some black hole of despair and I have to tell myself to get ahold of myself. It's always about the stupidest things, too. Like T's going to be late from work, fine. But suddenly that means not only can't I feed and overpower 2 toddlers and put sleep clothes on them, that means I can't deal with tomorrow. And I want Posted in: cranky , pictures , random , whiny

nooooo (Never melts (meef)) by jen

1. You know what's annoying? That I can't make a humorously cynical observation about the husband or the children without other people telling me lame things like "Well, I always think of it as time spent together" or "someday they will be all grown up and you will miss when they unroll your foil all over the house" and for the record I was not really "bitching" about the foil. I was exasperated Posted in: cranky , kids

done. (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I started writing a long cranky itemized post but I know no one gives a shit, and I was starting to annoy myself as well. Suffice it to say my latest bout of crankiness has escalated, and the children can stand on chairs and unlock the deck door AND they can open that door if it's unlocked. They can also defeat the gate on the deck and easily traverse the 2 measly steps to freedom. So a 2 minute Posted in: cranky , pictures

what I want (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I want to go away for a weekend and leave the (poor, victim) children with the husband. I will leave the house an absolute sty, with no food or clean dishes or laundry. I will show no outward remorse for leaving when I know he has a ton of work to do. I'll just cheerfully say goodbye. I'll tell him I'll be home at dinnertime on Sunday. Then on Sunday morning I'll call him up and cheerfully tell Posted in: cranky

bitch (Never melts (meef)) by jen

things that have been annoying me or just on my mind in general. 1. I take the kids swimming for fun. comfort in the water. Then why is it that some mental midget will come up to me and ask me if it's worth it for babies as young as D? It's fun. I don't expect him to swim laps at such an early age. I'm not stupid. Thanks. But hey, he's learned things. He's been able to shut up and deal better. Posted in: cranky , random

doula this doula that (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I am so freaking frustrated right now. I've been searching for a birth doula since sometime in 2004. I wanted one for my FIRST! I contacted the few I could find and no one even bothered responding to me, much less saying no. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, my resolve was that much stronger. Knowing what was involved I knew I'd want someone to help me in those ways. I couldn't find anyone new Posted in: cranky , doula , preg

meet the parents (Never melts (meef)) by jen

This weekend has been a colossal grandparent face-off. In one corner, on Saturday, we had The In Laws and The Old Lady. They came bright and early and followed us to swim class (after, of course, everyone had to get out of the car and pee, making me cranky. They have bathrooms at the Y you know!) So we went swimming. They watched. MIL had some annoying things to say about my son's attire. Items I Posted in: cranky , grandparents , kids

all over the place (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I thought I knew what I wanted to write about today. But then I totally forgot. I was all kinds of worked up this morning. Seems like a lot of little things all occurred in the same 20 minute time span that just rubbed me wrong. We were trying to leave to get to swimming. Can't find the girl's shoes. Briefly considered forcing her to walk outside WITHOUT shoes. Realized she probably wouldn't get Posted in: cranky , kids

grrr (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Don't you hate when you stress about something for a long time, and then it happens, and it's just as bad as you thought it would be (which is why you were stressing over it in the first place!) and then some no-good Pretty Princess Always-Positive squeaky little dipshit comes into your space and tells you "I'm glad it all worked out! And all that worrying over nothing!" grrrr. Posted in: cranky

horrible (Never melts (meef)) by jen

Call me a horrible person, but sometimes I'd like to see my in laws where it's JUST THEM. No old lady. No cousins. Seems like when they come here they take the old lady with them and when we go there, well no occasion can be wasted: we are coming, therefore it must be a Party and we simply MUST invite all those crazy freaks! I've gotten a lot calmer about them than I used to be but still. Posted in: cranky , kids , swimming

fair (Never melts (meef)) by jen

One of the reasons I hate when T goes away for the weekend is because I have to slough through the weekend and then he goes to work and it's business as usual, only I'm slowly sinking because I never got a break, or even social interaction sometimes. And it seems to me that every time he takes Friday off it has repercussions that las all the next week. So he'll be gone fri/sat/sun and then work Posted in: cranky , preg

ugh (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I feel like I'm so fat and heavy and the weight of the world is hanging from my body, holding me down, while I move underwater.. only the water is a thick gel-like substance that makes me mooove sooooo sloooowwwwwww.... My eyes never want to focus on anything. I tend to want to take things in peripherally, or summarize them after the fact. I have dreams where I'm running down the steps, or Posted in: cranky

I know it's too early (Never melts (meef)) by jen

But I am talking to my aforementioned Annoying Friend about baby names and ... well... I'm annoyed. First she makes fun of my pronounciation. I say MEGan, she says MAYgen. Which means if we use that name (it's been on the books since L was the size of a grain of rice) then she's gonna say it wrong and I'm going to be driven to homicide at some point, right? I guess I have different tastes in Posted in: cranky , kids , preg

bah (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I have always been that annoying person who says things bluntly. In my mind, you were all thinking it, so why act so shocked when I say it out loud? Naturally I have legions of people who hate me, and a small band of merry followers who find this highly amusing. I do have some tact, but this pregnancy has been stressing my ability to shut up and move on. I have several friends who are just.. Posted in: cranky , preg

recycling makes me tired (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I know this is low on the list of complaints but hey I got a new keyboard and so I can type now! But I think part of the reason my office is such a huge freaking mess is because of all the cardboard boxes I get... I can't just throw this stuff out, I have to cut it down and tie it into bundles, which I refuse to do. Recycling is T's job. So I'll leave a pile for him and tell him "this is Posted in: cranky , random

missed the boat (Never melts (meef)) by jen

I cannot identify with the "mothers of my generation" (pause to vomit in bucket) because - what the hell? "I'm expecting #2 and I'm TERRIFIED!" oh my good god. What exactly is so terrifying? Really now. Do you think it will come out with a shiv and cut you? I also particularly love how people will say they identify with X, Y, Z negative proposition and then insist they don't have it bad, but Posted in: cranky

george is getting angry!!! (Never melts (meef)) by jen

dumb bimbo on cm - No, it's not hard at all. Not hard at all to scoop the litter out of the bag rather than lift the 90 lb bag. mom - just because you think I have 2 crock pots doesn't mean you get to come and announce that you're taking one.. since I have 2, after all... Stop criticizing me for everything I do and then copying it and pretending it was your idea. other family members - Just Posted in: cranky , forum rants , omgz angry bad jen , toss

I need to share this stupidity with someone else (Never melts (meef)) by jen

"I caved and let the dr give the kids their flu shots." "A little late now, don't you think?" "well yes I know flu season is almost over but oh well." "they had the flu last week." "a stomach upset is not the flu." "yes it is" "well it's not The Flu that the vaccine is for. The Flu is a respiratory illness." *silence* 20 mins later I hear dipshit talking to aflac on the phone, telling her Posted in: cranky , kids